I used to think that what made me a badass was my independence, fearlessness, love of adventure, and willingness to step out of my comfort zone.

What I didn’t know then was that I was independent because I lacked the skills for successful collaboration, I was fearless (often to the point of recklessness) because I was terrified of fear making me weak, I loved adventure because I had no idea how to settle down, and my willingness to keep pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone was my comfort zone. I had dedicated so many years to being on the extreme – and what I didn’t see at the time was that so much of it was about proving that I was more than good enough, proving to myself and to my inner critic that I was above average and beyond extraordinary.

Today I will tell you that I’m a badass mainly because, despite the way the odds were stacked with my former practices and commitments, I find myself softening and learning to just be human, learning to let myself work at a pace that isn’t trying to prove anything to anyone – not even to myself. In no small part, I owe my thanks to motherhood for knocking me on my ass and helping me get real and get humble. Even with all that it’s taken 10 years of motherhood, and two kids to finally begin to make a badass human woman out of me. A person who doesn’t need to compete against her own best time every dog-gone minute of every day. A person who has dreams and goals and lets her self fumble towards them in all their humanness. A person that holds the frailty and the tenacity of this wild chance at sentient and self-aware existence in their hands and finality accepts the invitation  to “taste the fruit”, to “live a three-dimensioned life”.

As one of my favorite poets, Wendel Berry, puts it:

“There are no unsacred places; there are only sacred places and desecrated places.”

I’m a badass because I’m no longer fighting to be the hero of some story, instead embracing the humble work of making sacred again all that which I have desecrated in the past, and building up a community that shares my commitment to this work.